"Now you take that diaper off your head and put it back on your sister!"

Dirty Thirty

In recent news: A man identified simply as "that bearded gaijin" was spotted making a 7-11 run on a hot new bicylce. When questioned by authorities, the man claimed the bicycle was a gift from his doting wife. After further investigation, authorities confirmed that the bicylce had indeed been a gift for (gasp) his upcoming thirtieth birthday...

Behold, the Helios Folding Bike:

bicycle accessories still available for purchase (and other gift ideas):



bib shorts: essential for the cycle lover or weight curler...I wonder if C would consider a handlebar moustache...

soothing cream for those long commutes

His wife interprets "those toe socks are so creepy" as code for "Please buy me a pair"

Nothing says young and groovy like J Pop.

Part II: Party Planning

I'm thinking of hiring these guys to pass around hors d'hoeuvres and administer spanks...

Don't tell anyone you don't own Blonde on Blonde.
It's gonna be okay.

The Good Old Days

Miss Vix sent me this invitation. My former colleagues at AC will be dressing up in vintage stewardess uniforms courtesy of Cabaret on Queen Street.

Sigh.

Truth be told, I miss the glamour. I miss the clean white sheets, the room service, the champagne. I miss the clicking of sexy high heels through the airport and being whisked off in cars with tinted windows. Oh, hang on a minute...I'm being interrupted by another memory:

-Excuse me, Miss. Where is my vegetarian meal?
-Um, well...you see, your name is not on this list. Chicken or beef?
-But I'm a vegetarian. I booked this flight six years ago through my travel agent.
-I'm sorry. How about another stale bun? A stiff drink perhaps?
-I hate your [DELETED] airline.
-I'll be sure to pass along your comments.
-Oh, just [DELETED] right off. And tell Robert Milton he can [DELETED] my [DELETED].

But I would do 12 Montreal rapidairs in a row just to hang out with my girls and wear a pillbox hat and pumps. Have a dirty one on me, ladies. (martini, that is)

cherry blasters

Spring has sprung and it's a spectacular blast of blossoms, fragrant breezes and merrymaking under the stars. Typically, spring has always been my least favourite of the seasons, associated with the smell of thawing dog poop.
Not so here! (the dogs are toted around in purses and the ground doesn't freeze)

Here we are drinking in the blossoms and pink sake on the grounds of Miyamakoen park in Tamano.

"You know what's gonna happen to you? I am gonna march you over to the zoo and feed you to the yak."

numb and number

Today is the first day of school. Unlike my own childhood, the students here don`t get to parade around in new outfits their moms bought them or show off a Miss Piggy lunch box featuring the coveted chocolate Wagon Wheel. There is no raiding of the supply closet and divying out classic, Pink Pearl erasers and full size pencils free of teeth marks. And there are definitely no spanking fresh notebooks with spines to crack.
Like everything else, things are done a little differently here. Instead, students arrive promptly at eight-thirty and get to clean the school. After sweeping and scrubbing toilets they head to the gym for Opening Ceremonies. At the end of it all, students are about as geared up for school as they are for a root canal--at least from where I`m standing...

9:30 Observe students filing into the gym in that orderly fashion reminiscent of Hitler youth.

9:35 Stand at attention and listen to principal drone in some other language.

9:41 Curse poor circulation

9:50 Tune in to droning principal as he introduces ten new teachers. Try to catch names. Conclude that one of them is named Ken.

9:59 Stand by helplessly as female student collapses and is carried out by teachers.

10:05 Indulge in ridiculous fantasies involving streaking on rollerskates with a cream pie in each hand. Targets: the droning principal and his nefarious cohort, also known as the VP.

10:09 Lose all sensation below the waist. Curse poor circulation.

10:20 Stand by helplessly as female student #2 collapses and is carried out by teachers.

10:25 Briefly consider collapsing but decide against it, fearing unwelcome exposure of control top pantyhose.

10:30 Conclude ceremony on a high note by mumbling through school song.
10:35 Enjoy pins and needles walk back to the staffroom.

"Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go on an overnight drunk, and in 10 days I'm going to set out to find the shark that ate my friend and destroy it. Anyone who wants to tag along is more than welcome."

don't leave your blog unattended

I’ve been playing six degrees of separation tonight--with blogs. Clicking here, there and everywhere. I have given Chris C’s blog a good shake and the fruits from his tree have been an endless source of entertainment as I sip a second glass of wine and listen to Petula Clark classics in French. (Okay, I'm a bad liar--it's my third glass). The following is a link to a blog I thoroughly enjoyed--so much so that I want to be best friends with this poor, unsuspecting girl.

http://tequilared.blogspot.com

and her sister

http://kissmychopsticks.blogspot.com