"Do you do everything you're told? Oh God...you do."

Memos I Wrote Today...

DEAR TEACHER WHO APPROACHED ME ALL OF 10 SECONDS BEFORE CLASS AND ASKED IF I HAD ANY IDEAS FOR A LESSON PLAN,



Tired of saving your ass,

Sarah

DEAR TEACHER WHO LAUGHED WHEN A STUDENT CALLED ME "THE BIG CHEST",



Getting it off my big chest,

Sarah

The Best Thing I've Seen This Month

WATCH THIS NOW

Make sure you give it a few minutes to load. Gotta love the Japanese blatant disregard for public safety...anything for a laugh!

Brought to you by our sponsors, Jane and Shannon.

Insane Practical Jokes

Insane Practical Jokes Part II

Chipotle Potato Ensalada

A bomb went off in the kitchen tonight but that's pretty normal. What did emerge from the debris was a new recipe for vegan potato salad--Mexi styles. I thought I would share it with you while it's still fresh in my head, and in my fridge.

Ingredients:

8 smallish potatoes, boiled and cubed
I cup green beans, cut lengthwise into thirds and boiled
1 small red onion, chopped
1/2 red pepper, chopped
handful pine nuts (optional)

the dressing:

one "scoop" of Nayonnaise (soy mayonnaise)
1 Tbsp chipotle puree
1 Tbsp stoneground mustard
salt and pepper to taste
stir above ingredients together and mix into salad (add more nayo if desired.)

Garnish with avocado slices!

helpful hints:
-to make potato salad creamier, stir in some cubed melt-in-your-mouth avocado. But only for immediate consumption.
-to add protein, mix in small cubes of firm tofu.
-don't overcook the potatoes, green beans. Rinse with lots of cold water to stop cooking process.

EVERYBODY should keep chipotle puree in their fridge. To make it, just throw a can of chipotle peppers in "adobo" sauce into the blender and mix. Keep in a container for up to 3 months. This wonder condiment can be stirred into ketchup for added spice, scrambled eggs, chili, salad dressing, and so much more. It is one of my ESSENTIALS.

God, it must be a dull week if I`m posting recipes on the blog. Maybe I should post some nekkid pics to spice it up a bit. Dad, would you mind?

Takin' Care of Business

C and I went on a business trip to Kobe at the end of May. You know, the usual: closing big deals, hostile takeovers, sitting at ridiculously long boardroom tables, lap dances for the boss. Oh, wait that didn't happen.

I can't say I really learned anything new from the workshops I attended (except Rachel's, which inspired us to do some volunteering this summer in Indonesia!) but I did diligently "network" with my associates. And all on the company dime...


business can only get done in swank hotels


My associates



They really should give us a raise. We pulled an all-nighter.
Thankless job.

ps I know it's probably the angle of the camera and perspective and all that but it has just come to my attention that I have GINORMOUS HANDS. It looks like I could do some serious man-handling with those paws. Yikes.



I must say, this ad at Kobe station does nothing for the already low self-esteem of Japanese men...(if only he had hands like mine)

It wouldn't be Kobe without the...boeuf. No thanks, we'll pass.

-Sweet love, renew thy force.

-Don't say shit like that to me. People can hear you.

Murakami Sensei is building a shrine of miniatures

...on my desk. Here is an aerial view of the latest ensemble to appear on top of my work space. It is so tiny. The box is about the length of my index finger. Curious.


The World's smallest buzz


Japanese tea anyone?


We have Chinese tea, if you prefer.


Hungry? Can I tempt you with suckling pig?

Daddy's Girl

Dear Dad,

It's Father's Day today. Sadly, I cannot be there with you in the flesh to throw my arms around you, share a beer and whip your ass at euchre. I really miss spending time with you, Dad. You are truly one of a kind. A perfect blend of serious and goofball. Okay, maybe one part serious, two parts goofball.
In my nearly 30 years, you have always been a great Dad: loving, generous, wise, sensitive, gentle, hilarious and spontaneous. On Father's Day, I always have much to celebrate and much to be thankful for. I am truly blessed to have you in my life.

Thank you, Dad

...for saying "I love you" every day

...for your famous expressions over the years

-Oh my garage!
-I'm so hungry, I could eat the asshole out of teddy bear!
-Don't sweat the small stuff!

...for not giving a rip what other people think

...for getting up to so much mischief

...for teaching me the art of ordering in a restaurant
-What are you known for?
-Does that come with a pilaf?
(you do realize that I now order for Christopher in precisely the same manner..."my husband will have a beer...")

...for your spontaneity. Even after an 80 hour work week, you would muster the energy and say:

-Who wants to go to a show tonight?
-How about a game of Crazy 8s?
-Grab your coat, let's go for Dairy Queen

...for giving me room to grow

...for letting me make my own choices

...for giving me my own bathroom

...for your impeccable taste in women

...for making me stick with piano lessons

...for loving me enough to let me make my way in the world

Dad, thank you most of all for always being yourself.

I love you and miss you terribly.

Giant bear hugs and kisses,

Sabby

-Have you ever transcended space and time?

-Yes. No. Uhh, time, not space...No, I don't know what you're talking about.

fukiya

Last Friday we headed up to the quiet mountain town of Fukiya. Fumbling with our knapsacks and giant baguettes, we hopped a train for Takahashi and then a bus up the winding, nausea- inducing roads to Fukiya. Our partners in crime were Brad and Alicia, our nearest and dearest friends here in Japan. We settled into the International Villa for two glorious nights. Here is what we got up to...

Our little spread. I know, I know. There is more booze than food. But you know us well enough by now. This is how we roll...

The International Villa.

Fellow Occupants

Having been forewarned, we arrived at the villa armed with enough insecticde to go on a mukade killing rampage. As it turned out, hard cover children's books were more adept at killing the little suckers. Cheers to C for not shrieking like a little girl when he found one on a towel. Cheers to A for finishing him off. As for my part, I provided a soundtrack of dry heaves (sorry guys)

For more mukade horror stories, see this post

Violence! Stabbings! Poison! Murder!

Bustling Downtown Fukiya.

C calls my footwear "apalling". He directed the laser death stare at my feet all weekend. Personally, this style is kind of growing on me (an intervention may be required. Have I been in Japan too long?)

Around the town...

And the countryside...

Here, we happened upon this GIANT SLIDE. At first glance, we thought it would be hilarious if we all chugged up the hill and went down it. The rust should have been the first red flag. The spider webs should have been the second. But no, we were well on our way down before we realized the slide was not meant for direct ass on slide contact. The slide itself was made up of metal rollers, generating an incredibly hot electric charge as we gained speed. Hilarious it wasn't. I almost burned a hole through my jeans. And I can still hear the screaming...

Sneaking up on C. Let's see if he'll submit to a photo shoot...

Apparently, not. I've seen this look before...right before he calls me a real "piece of work".

I quietly retreat and leave my man in peace. I trip off down the lane in search of less hostile subjects for my camera.

Back by popular demand, the yukata photo shoot. We are now compiling a collection of karate kid poses with all willing participants. These are featuring Brad and Alicia. I love the VanDam kick, A! No, C and I are not salsa dancing. Apparently it's a judo move.





Here we are about to enter an old mine shaft. At one point, A remarked: I hope there`s no sudden earthquake! Fast forward 18 hours: we get our sudden earthquake!!!

And speaking of shafts, In the middle of a bamboo forest, we came upon...

A fertility shrine?! Very curious.
C was vehemently opposed to my suggestion that we all "get on it" and have a photo shoot. Remind me to thank him one day...

Today's Confession

I bought a VHS copy of Police Academy for 100 yen today. I'm going to rot in screwball hell.

bouncing around the room

Breaking news...

This morning we woke up at 5am. It was not the alarm clock or the telephone ringing or Gianni barking that made us yell "Sweet Jesus! What the [DELETED] is that???", but rather the mad shaking of the entire room and its contents, us included. Yep, you guessed it. This morning C and I experienced our very first earthquake. We now know that the pair of us are utterly useless in the face of an emergency. We kind of just laid there wide eyed and paralyzed....and then rolled over and went back to sleep.

pay attention to me

Life is hard when you`re a celebrity. I really should get a PR firm to handle my engagements. And a body guard to protect me from the hoards of kids, screaming: I`M FINE THANK YOU, AND YOU?

Here is yet another example of unwarranted fame as a gaijin. But it`s an easy gig. I just have to sit there and look foreign.

dining gaijin cause a sensation

"I'm a temp. But that's not, like, a permanent thing."

A conversation I had...

-So you're a vegetarian?
-That's right.
-But aren't you hungry all the time?
-Ummmmm, no. I do okay.

I get paid to do this

Ahh, the hilarity continues in Oral Communication class. Try stifling laughter through these introductions:

Good morning, class. I would like to introduce Ando. Ando is most interested in money. His favorite proverb is `Money is a great traveler of the world`. He is blinded by money. He also likes basketball. Thank you, that`s all.

Hello everybody. This is Satoshi. Satoshi lives in Kurashiki. He likes soccer. He is a very good player. Satoshi has many friends. Satoshi is handsome and cool and fresh. He has many girlfriends. So, I respect him. This story is non-fiction.

Hello. This is Daisuke. He is very clever with his hands. For example, when he writes he uses a very small pencil. Thank you, that`s all.

Weekend Discoveries

Okayama wine is not fit for human consumption, even for an indiscriminate palate such as mine

Bowling alleys are dry in Japan (why we stayed for only one game) I had one strike and a bazillion gutter balls. I'm better when I'm on the bottle...

saucy and glossy are we...

Rock Lobster is like, THE BEST karaoke song ever

Choose karaoke songs wisely when with under 25 crowd. (How can anyone HAVE NEVER HEARD OF FOOTLOOSE??) Totally beyond me. Kids.

"I told those f*cks down at the league office a thousand times that I don't roll on Shabbos!"

My Mother In-Law Got Me Addicted To Crack

Or so I will tell Jerry when I describe my sad demise into addiction hell. My needle: the pencil. My drug: Sudoku. They should have stopped Trudy at customs with her innoucuous book of seemingly harmless "puzzles".


I will conquer this. I have told Christopher to:

hide all pencils
feed other addictionslike I said